The key to our future is building a better environment – one where we appear at a well-publicized ribbon cutting for a new wind turbine so that environmentalist and activists believe in our commitment to clean and efficient sources of energy while we continue to punch holes in coral reefs offshore to suck up some more of that sweet black gold. That’s the American way!
Apart from a few tanker spillages, refinery explosions, human rights abuses and devastated ecosystems, The United States environmental record is exemplary.
Some people have questioned the dichotomy between our record profits and the skyrocketing gas prices. Lobbying politicians, funding regime changes, suppressing scientific research, reprinting all our marketing materials in a green font ... oil has become an ever more costly business. It is unfortunate that the countries with the largest remaining reserves of oil and gas happen to hate us, especially Canada.
It doesn’t help that we’ve been forced into expensive ventures such as deep-water drilling and oil sand extraction because loony left-wing activists have conspired to ban us from extracting the natural resources right on our own doorstep. Not to mention the pressure to invest in renewable energy.
We power the chainsaws that clear land for a bright new condominium complex.
We power the generators that provide emergency lights during a prison riot.
We power the helicopters that keep peace by neutralizing villages of threats.
We power communities in Nigeria by employing local militia to protect our people.
We power the trucks that carry goods across America, often jackknifing and killing families in station wagons.
We power the SUV that mom takes her kids to school in, before stopping at a sleazy hotel to f*** her husband’s best friend.
We power the slaughterhouse that provides food for your family.
We power the crematorium that incinerates your handsy stepdad once and for all.
We power the airplanes that carry c***sucker executives to golf retreats in tropical locations.
We power the Congressmen who further our policy agenda.
We are ruthless in maximizing value for our shareholders. By investing in the Oil Industry, you can be a part of a movement that began in 1908 with the invention of the internal combustion engine and continues to this day. The technology hasn’t changed that much - because that would change the revenue structure of the Oil Industry. That’s why our special Emerging Technologies Team identifies revolutionary inventors in the field of Energy Science, and as soon as one discovers how to run a car on water, they are summarily executed and never heard from again.